Hmm..

Being here, being in this place, in this course, how incredibly taxing the entire course is, and how incredibly crazy people can get when you isolate them from their security base, and then place them in such a competitive and hard course.. Definitely changes you. I never would've imagined for one second that coming here would mean I would have to face all the drama and changes in life. Never would have foreseen the amount of pain and hurt that can come my way when I go into university life. That there would be so much of uncertainty about the people around me when I get to know them. Things doesn't remain the same. No friendship stays the same and its always about figuring people out - what motives they have behind this action and that. Who shall I trust more? Is this person only getting close to me for some sort of benefit? Am I right in letting this person so close now? Are these rumors worth listening to? Will my actions be something I regret if I do this now? What social impact does this do if I say so and so, will things come back? - like how so many of them say - ''karma bites''. 

Its just meeting all these different people who have different mindsets and personalities. They have different intentions also that drive them to do things that they do. And keeping yourself safe and sane when among them. Not saying that I am at all safe nor sane. Think I've gone pretty volatile and insane cos of this whole environment. Or perhaps I was already that way to begin with, but it all came out under that pressure.

About medicine. Its hard NOT to have all those doubts in my mind that I can do this and come out with an MBBS degree. There's so much of weakness I find in myself when I compare myself with others. Not that its right to compare at all.. But I feel so inadequate when there are so many intelligent & dilligent people around me so much. They are putting in SO much more of effort and they seem so driven to achieve this. It's always a race to be better. But I feel like I've voluntarily dropped out of that intelligence competing race some time back. That I've stopped letting things like that define who I am cos I want to know that I am capable of doing something more. But in doing that, I've dropped out of the race so much - so much so that I've become incompetent. How did this even happen and why did I allow that to happen? There was so much of focus on  my achievements back then. So much of talk and credit being given just because I did well in my studies. It becomes less fulfilling when THATS the only thing being highlighted in your life. 

<ok I'm tired. Going to bed>

But you know what upsets me? Having someone come into your life and believe that you are something very important to them, then having things go bad and having them leave. That sucks. Why do people leave. Actually, why even come close when you don't intend to stay and be real. I never asked for that close friendship. You wanted it then you decide to walk away in the end. Some people just don't have the integrity to own and handle the real issues. Just leave things unsettled as they are. Sure. Very mature. 

I turn to you, blog.

It's been awhile, hasn't it? I just can't bring my mind to stop thinking. Just can't sleep. In a few hours' time, I'll be leaving my home. Back to the land of India. It's hard not to associate it purely by the bitter experiences I had to go through in my first year. Though I have to be truly thankful to Him that He managed to pull me through what seems like an impossible year academically and emotionally, He did. I actually passed all my subject amidst the chaos. Amidst the inadequacy. He became my adequacy. If that even make sense. Sigh. Returning there only means I have to continue the battle. Someone told me I won't be alone. That someone also said wings may spurt; supernatural wings. That someone also said that I will be placed in situations that I will not be comfortable in. Situations that requires me to stand out - something I usually rather not. I don't know what to expect. And so I fear. I fear so much. I am already anticipating the most taxing time academically once I begin 2nd year. To think that there's more? Lord, how much will you stretch me?

***

Just then someone called. Helped me really alot. Thanks, princess. =)

And my mom woke up. Did the final packing.. Now I guess I have to go soon. Bye bye beloved KK. You will forever be in my heart. You're just too amazing. (refer to Fui Yin's latest post for my sentiments, coz I share the same as hers.. XD)

Slow Down Time

Staring at this empty canvas,
Waiting for the next stroke of my life.
It seems to go by so fast.
Another day I've wasted wondering,
How it all ends up instead of resting,
That it's all in Your hands.
My only piece is waiting before You.
My praise to You,
Drowning noise around me.

Chorus:
I wish I could slow down time,
I wish I could wait here at your feet.
'Cause with you is the only place that I wanna be.
I know I should take it all in stride.
I know you are there with every reach.
'Cause with you is the only place that I wanna be.

On my own I always fade out fast,
On the run my every step will last.
I'm resting in your words that never fail.
Your searching every part of me.
I need to stop so I could hear You speak.
I long for you so here I am so thirsty.
My only piece is waiting before You.
My praise to You,
Drowning the noise around me.

(Chorus)

It's where I wanna be,
The greatness of your presence always leaving me here speechless.
I've given up on making this life my home.
In the fullness of your glory is beyond my comprehension.
There's no greater joy then being with you my King.

by Jeremy Camp

Writing in from India!

First Part(ing)