Being here, being in this place, in this course, how incredibly taxing the entire course is, and how incredibly crazy people can get when you isolate them from their security base, and then place them in such a competitive and hard course.. Definitely changes you. I never would've imagined for one second that coming here would mean I would have to face all the drama and changes in life. Never would have foreseen the amount of pain and hurt that can come my way when I go into university life. That there would be so much of uncertainty about the people around me when I get to know them. Things doesn't remain the same. No friendship stays the same and its always about figuring people out - what motives they have behind this action and that. Who shall I trust more? Is this person only getting close to me for some sort of benefit? Am I right in letting this person so close now? Are these rumors worth listening to? Will my actions be something I regret if I do this now? What social impact does this do if I say so and so, will things come back? - like how so many of them say - ''karma bites''. 

Its just meeting all these different people who have different mindsets and personalities. They have different intentions also that drive them to do things that they do. And keeping yourself safe and sane when among them. Not saying that I am at all safe nor sane. Think I've gone pretty volatile and insane cos of this whole environment. Or perhaps I was already that way to begin with, but it all came out under that pressure.

About medicine. Its hard NOT to have all those doubts in my mind that I can do this and come out with an MBBS degree. There's so much of weakness I find in myself when I compare myself with others. Not that its right to compare at all.. But I feel so inadequate when there are so many intelligent & dilligent people around me so much. They are putting in SO much more of effort and they seem so driven to achieve this. It's always a race to be better. But I feel like I've voluntarily dropped out of that intelligence competing race some time back. That I've stopped letting things like that define who I am cos I want to know that I am capable of doing something more. But in doing that, I've dropped out of the race so much - so much so that I've become incompetent. How did this even happen and why did I allow that to happen? There was so much of focus on  my achievements back then. So much of talk and credit being given just because I did well in my studies. It becomes less fulfilling when THATS the only thing being highlighted in your life. 

<ok I'm tired. Going to bed>

But you know what upsets me? Having someone come into your life and believe that you are something very important to them, then having things go bad and having them leave. That sucks. Why do people leave. Actually, why even come close when you don't intend to stay and be real. I never asked for that close friendship. You wanted it then you decide to walk away in the end. Some people just don't have the integrity to own and handle the real issues. Just leave things unsettled as they are. Sure. Very mature.